Mum advice

A couple of weeks ago I read an article which I have been thinking about a lot.  Basically, an amazing mother saw a struggling young mother of 23 and helped her in her "what the f*ck have I done?" moment and then goes on to describe how mothers are given a hard time.   The whole story is here and if like me you really struggled and probably still are struggling to get to grips with motherhood, this is well worth a read; to help you realise you're ok and people should just back off sometimes and appreciate what an amazing job you're doing:

https://m.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1638335349826649&id=1560241024302749

Quite understandably this has gone viral and not only am I all for women helping other women but it makes me feel like there are good people in this world, not the disgusting excuses for human beings we see on the news. 

When I was pregnant, I was so excited to be having a baby.  I had waited for so long and I loved my changing body and being able to feel my little baby growing and moving.  I also loved the pizza, a lot.  Fast forward to when I had my son, I didn't really think anything was wrong.  I was struggling to come to terms with the fact I had just had a baby, I was overwhelmed, inexperienced and I felt frozen, I didn't know what to do.  I thought all parents felt like this when they first had a baby.  I stayed indoors for the first 12 weeks only venturing out when I had to to doctors or nurses appointments.  I would shower and get straight back into my pyjamas again and I practically lived in my dressing gown.  I didn't really want to see anyone/have anyone see me and I was desperate for my husband to come home from work every day that I would practically clock watch.   I would get asked by the parents (both sets) if I had just woken up and why I was still in my pyjamas.  Firstly, that's none of your business.  Secondly, I had gained so much weight in pregnancy none of my clothes actually fit and I couldn't bring myself to dress properly.  I hated my body and I couldn't bear to look at it.  Could I say that out loud? No but I shouldn't have had to.  I know people will say, oh it's a different generation, blah blah blah but does that really excuse looking down on someone who has just had a baby? Also, are you telling me I am expected to dress up for my baby even though we're not going out anywhere and be ready to receive people should they decide to turn up on my doorstep? I don't think so.  This is indeed a different generation and one that realises when people need help and/or just silent support. 

A year and a half on I'm still hard on myself, I'm still learning every day and I still think I could be a better mum but my son still keeps running after me, cuddling me, affectionately poking me, climbs into my lap with a book for me to read with him and kisses me without being asked so I've got to be doing something right, right? I still have barely any mummy friends, I still struggle to make small talk with other mums but I'm nowhere near the shell of myself I was a mere year and a bit ago.  Yes I've had support from family (albeit not silent unfortunately) and I'm lucky enough to have an extremely supportive and patient husband who is not silent but that's a good thing but I have needed a lot of help to get me here.  My heart goes out to those who don't have the support.  My husband and I have questioned many times how people do this alone and we only have the one child. 

If I am ever in the situation part-time working mummy is and I'm not having a breakdown myself, I will definitely help another mum in need.   Reading the comments alone has helped me see I am not alone and neither are you.  While there are definitely trolls in this world either online or in your own family, you can do this.  I can do this.  We can all do this and we can all do this together.  

~AB~

Books my son loves

When my son was born my husband and I vowed to read to him as often as we could.   As a result my son absolutely loves books.  He enjoys having the one to one time with whoever is looking after him and climbs onto their leg/lap with the book he would like them to read.  Once you're done reading to him, he will grab another book and walk off to his armchair and try and read it himself - it's the cutest!

When he was a baby baby, we had a bunch of Usborne books as a great first sensory experience, books with lots of colours and textures like: 

This then progressed to being able to read my son stories once he could see all of the colours and I would have to say his all time favourite was (he loved the butterfly and his first proper smiles and giggles were at the butterfly): 

He still reads the book now and as a result we have had to tape the spine, many many times.  We do have a replacement but that won't ever be used my son!  He was then gifted these books: 

And his life has never been the same since.  He was also gifted Superworm by the same author and illustrator but that has never stuck and although he likes the pictures, he's not so bothered about the story.  These two however, he loves everything about them and the fact that there is an amazing animation of Room on the Broom with some of the finest voiceovers ever (David Walliams) makes it even better. 

In addition to these two, my son is now obsessed with these two books: 

He insists that they be read at least twice a day and loves following the pictures.  He even does the same noises I do with the Super Smelly Alien book before I even start reading.  Either of these are used as bedtime stories because he just can't get enough of them.  And finally, my mum has recently bought him this book: 

A lift the flap book about cars, which he loves looking at.  He can't read any of the words yet nor is it worth trying to explain the detail they go to telling you about cars and their lives and backgrounds but if he continues to be obsessed with cars and wheels this will be the best thing that's ever happened to him when he can start reading. 




Finally, the book I will be buying for literally all of my friends for 1 year birthdays is this: 

Lost.my.name

My cousin bought it for my son for his birthday and he absolutely loves it.  He obviously has no idea how to spell his own name right now but he loves the illustration particularly the winding trail which we trace with our fingers and the dragon on the D page as the page is "hot" from the fire he's breathing out.  This is an amazing gift and I'm so pleased my cousin actually explained that his name is at the end (I know it seems silly, but you wouldn't have any idea it was personalised) - we have a friend who was also gifted this book for her son and had no idea that it was a personalised book (clearly it had never been read to her son)!   In posting the links for this blog post I have now seen they have other books too so I will definitely be buying the space one for my son, he loves anything to do with "tar" and has his own Supermario star plushie that gets a lot of cuddles.  I would recommend it to anyone and I would love to hear what your kids favourite books are and your best character noise from it! 

~AB~

Judgy, judgy

A couple of weekends ago, I was subject to what some might just call opinion but I personally feel it was a little less of an opinion, more of an actual judgement and definitely an attack on my parenting.  I know that sounds a little dramatic but that's exactly how it felt to me taking the tone and the look into account as well.

When you think about starting a family as everyone will know you have these delusioned ideas of how you will bring up your child.  When other parents tell you that you end up doing and saying things you thought you never would, you laugh ignorantly like you think it will never happen to you.  They're a lovely thought and obviously well intentioned but let me tell you straight - you will do things you never thought you wanted to do as a parent.  Like TV and swearing and slouching around with wine/spirits when the babies have gone to bed.  

Some of the things I said I wouldn't do before my son:

• feed him junk food
• let him watch the TV for entertainment/to keep him occupied 
• smother him 
• let him sleep in our bed
• say no constantly 
• give him a soother
• swear in front of him 

Of all of those things - I have only managed to stick to two, the junk food and swearing.  They have been a tough slog to stick to though especially the swearing when he gets on my nerves or drops things on my feet/head. 

I will explain the things we do do - the tv we do keep to a minimum and it is predominantly used for when I need to shower or do something like wash up.  The soother we tried for as long as we could not to give it to him but, and I hate to say it, it was just easier and kept him calmer to give it to him.  We are now weaning my son off but he had only had it for naps and sleep only since 12 months.  The smothering is more because I can't get enough of him sometimes and I love to give him kisses.  I also love receiving his kisses even if my face is dripping afterwards.  The letting him sleep in our bed admittedly stopped before he was 1 and was purely reserved for when he was sick.  He hates sharing a bed with us and vice versa which is perfect for us - even now if he is sick he prefers to be on his own but with many more cuddles than usual.  The saying no constantly is not literally every sentence but I do tell him no more than once a day.  Unfortunately, distraction etc are not things my son will accept and no is most effective with him.  It's not as bad as I have made it out to be - it is hard to keep control of the things you would prefer not to do when you have a child but if you adapt your ideas, you can limit the extent you become this completely different person after your child is born. 

Anyway, you will note the one thing I haven't spoken about is the junk food.  Having watched my half brother be pandered to and fed chocolate and sweets whenever he wants, I refuse to do the same.  Both my husband and I also have ridiculous sweeth tooths which have stemmed from sweets in our youth and as a result, both of us have fillings.   My teeth have actually become worse since I fell pregnant as my sweet tooth has spiralled and I crave sugar constantly.  These are not things I wish for my son. 

With the neverending stories of child obesity and my history/personal experience I want to try and curb my son's sugar intake and although he does eat a lot of fruit - it is natural sugar and something the body is able to break down naturally.  I am very cautious about what I feed him.   Cheese is the worst thing I feed him and he only consumes it because of the calcium as he won't just have yoghurts constantly.  Being dairy intolerant myself and having him mildly react to milk as a baby I have been reluctant to wean him onto pure cow's milk so his nursery started him on oat milk shortly after he turned 1 and we are slowly following suit.   I will be clear, my son has had cake, nutella, jam, juice, jelly, pancakes, waffles, chips, ice cream and ice lollies with me.  I am not 100% opposed to these but it is to be a treat and not an every day/every other day occurrence.  My husband probably said it the best that people can feed our son things we don't agree with every now and again but as long as we don't continue to feed it to our son, then he won't constantly request/demand it.  Unfortunately, some people cannot seem to leave us to our choices.

I will not name names.   Let's just say that it was not done that way when we were younger.  It all started when I admitted that if my son refuses to eat dinner, I don't offer him alternatives.  He will sometimes have toast before bed if he has had nothing at all for dinner and barely anything in the day and that's it.  I have heard that at his tender age, toddlers will not starve themselves.  I refuse to have a fussy child - I love food and trying new things and so should he one day.  I was told that that's not how it works and uncategorically that "you are wrong".  They were the exact words.   Those words played over and over again in my head for a week.  I tried to rationalise it with my husband and he told me that's not what was said and that it's just an opinion.  I then ran it by my sister and she tried to reassure me that I'm the parent and everyone parents differently.   The more I thought about it, the more I thought no, you're wrong.   Wrong for attacking me and also wrong in your opinion as it created more food issues than you think, ones I do not wish to repeat in my son.  An opinion is an opinion when you're sharing a view, not when you're making a definitive judgement on someone like whether they are right or wrong.  Whether you agree with my parenting style or not, my son is not suffering nor is he unhappy or malnourished.  I have had to endure many months of him not eating when I literally did anything to see him eat and although he was skinny, he was still healthy.  Now he is constantly eating and this is my opportunity to turn things around. 

I would like to think I have enough knowledge about sugar etc to be able to manage a good diet.  I try to stick to recommended salt and sugar intakes for toddlers where possible and therefore with the amount of fruit my son eats, I know he's probably hitting the upper limits if not exceeding them for sugar that he does not need a supplement in the form of biscuits, chocolate, sweets or ice cream.  As stated above, I also know that the fruits I am giving him contain natural sugar which is easy for the body to break down.  I avoid snacks which have added salt and sugar for my son but this is a little harder in cereal.  My son rotates between Cornflakes, Weetabix and "O's" for breakfast.  The first two as you know are fortified but unfortunately have added salt, the latter is from the "free from" organic section at the supermarket and is mostly natural except for the pomegranate juice from concentrate for flavour.  Not the best but better than other mainstream alternatives.  I know I must sound obsessive but for me it is common sense, I am not a label reader unless it requires it as my son still cannot eat egg whites.   I google recipes constantly to make sure my son gets his 5 a day and at least two portions of fish a week, I make packed lunches if we're going out which has as many healthy snacks as I can fit in his lunchbox.  I ensure he has at least one portion of fruit a day and more portions of vegetables. 

So round two.  My son and another toddler were offered lollies.  I said no, the other mum said yes.  I was asked why my son couldn't have one as it didn't have sugar in it because it was made from juice and water - it obviously did as these are cheap lollies, they are cheap for a reason.  The selling points marketed to me were that it has no additives, flavourings or fat.  This is the lolly:

They are marketed as "strawberry FLAVOUR ice lollies to freeze with juice, SUGAR and SWEETENER" - because sugar alone isn't enough right?  The second ingredient is juice FROM CONCENTRATE and the third is SUGAR.  I am putting these in capitals because I am dumbfounded that I could be frowned upon for not wanting to give this to my child.  He is a toddler of a mere 17 months old - what possible benefit could this have to him other than making him hyperactive and possibly staining his clothes?  We took our son to the park and said person who offered the lolly came with.  I bought my son a lolly as it was warm and he had been good all day.  This is the lolly I bought:

I have been unable to find the ingredients online but I assure you, the options are not marketed as a "flavour" nor does it have fruit juice from concentrate.  It is pure fruit, the same thing I would create myself at home for my son.  I was asked what the difference is and my explanation fell on deaf ears.  When another parent pulled out biscuits (covered in icing) and I was asked why my son couldn't have one when there was sugar in the lolly and I stated my argument yet again.  I was told (mocked) that sugar gives him energy how will he have any energy if he doesn't have sugar?  A few hours later the same person questioned how my son had so much energy that he was able to play much longer than his counterpart - his sugar intake wasn't even brought up.  His counterpart was sluggish and my son was running rings around him. 

As far as I am concerned, my son has his whole life to eat badly but it most certainly won't be on my watch.  I will let him try whatever he wants (within reason - gummy sweets are not acceptable on any level at his age) but there is no way he will be eating it more than once without there being a good reason.  While he's young and I still have authority, I will take care of my son and his insides as best as I can.  I want him to be as healthy and fit as he can be and whilst I have the manners not to respond back to public mocking, I know I am doing the right thing and I will not be bullied into giving in. 

~AB~

Ikea hacks I wish I had the time for

I adore Ikea and I do indeed have a few pieces from there.  The thing I dislike about Ikea is that I'm not the only one who loves them and also they are ridiculously affordable meaning that lots of other people have the same furniture that I do.  Obviously other people feel the same way and this has given rise to one of the things I find most exciting about our generation - upcycling.

 I am constantly saying I want to do this to that mirror and this wall will have that and I will paint that table this colour and I will get to them all one day but in the meantime to add to my dream list, here are some of my favourite Ikea hacks that I may or may not finish one day: 

Rast chest of 3 drawers - Ikeahackers

Tarva dresser - Sarah Sherman Samuel

Vittsjo nesting tables -  Melodrama

Lack Grundtal table

http://www.remodelaholic.com/transform-ikea-cubbies-pottery-barn-console/

I could literally research this all day and keep on posting but I love these.  The lack table makeshift kitchen should be part of a post called "hacks I'm going to make time for".  I have been pondering getting a kitchen for my son for a while now but as we have a lack of space it has been a "where would it live?" discussion.  This hack is absolutely perfect! Unfortunately though, Ikea had a sale so... my son now has an Ikea kitchen which we have made room for in our dining room but in another lifetime I would definitely do this hack! 

~AB~