Judgy, judgy

A couple of weekends ago, I was subject to what some might just call opinion but I personally feel it was a little less of an opinion, more of an actual judgement and definitely an attack on my parenting.  I know that sounds a little dramatic but that's exactly how it felt to me taking the tone and the look into account as well.

When you think about starting a family as everyone will know you have these delusioned ideas of how you will bring up your child.  When other parents tell you that you end up doing and saying things you thought you never would, you laugh ignorantly like you think it will never happen to you.  They're a lovely thought and obviously well intentioned but let me tell you straight - you will do things you never thought you wanted to do as a parent.  Like TV and swearing and slouching around with wine/spirits when the babies have gone to bed.  

Some of the things I said I wouldn't do before my son:

• feed him junk food
• let him watch the TV for entertainment/to keep him occupied 
• smother him 
• let him sleep in our bed
• say no constantly 
• give him a soother
• swear in front of him 

Of all of those things - I have only managed to stick to two, the junk food and swearing.  They have been a tough slog to stick to though especially the swearing when he gets on my nerves or drops things on my feet/head. 

I will explain the things we do do - the tv we do keep to a minimum and it is predominantly used for when I need to shower or do something like wash up.  The soother we tried for as long as we could not to give it to him but, and I hate to say it, it was just easier and kept him calmer to give it to him.  We are now weaning my son off but he had only had it for naps and sleep only since 12 months.  The smothering is more because I can't get enough of him sometimes and I love to give him kisses.  I also love receiving his kisses even if my face is dripping afterwards.  The letting him sleep in our bed admittedly stopped before he was 1 and was purely reserved for when he was sick.  He hates sharing a bed with us and vice versa which is perfect for us - even now if he is sick he prefers to be on his own but with many more cuddles than usual.  The saying no constantly is not literally every sentence but I do tell him no more than once a day.  Unfortunately, distraction etc are not things my son will accept and no is most effective with him.  It's not as bad as I have made it out to be - it is hard to keep control of the things you would prefer not to do when you have a child but if you adapt your ideas, you can limit the extent you become this completely different person after your child is born. 

Anyway, you will note the one thing I haven't spoken about is the junk food.  Having watched my half brother be pandered to and fed chocolate and sweets whenever he wants, I refuse to do the same.  Both my husband and I also have ridiculous sweeth tooths which have stemmed from sweets in our youth and as a result, both of us have fillings.   My teeth have actually become worse since I fell pregnant as my sweet tooth has spiralled and I crave sugar constantly.  These are not things I wish for my son. 

With the neverending stories of child obesity and my history/personal experience I want to try and curb my son's sugar intake and although he does eat a lot of fruit - it is natural sugar and something the body is able to break down naturally.  I am very cautious about what I feed him.   Cheese is the worst thing I feed him and he only consumes it because of the calcium as he won't just have yoghurts constantly.  Being dairy intolerant myself and having him mildly react to milk as a baby I have been reluctant to wean him onto pure cow's milk so his nursery started him on oat milk shortly after he turned 1 and we are slowly following suit.   I will be clear, my son has had cake, nutella, jam, juice, jelly, pancakes, waffles, chips, ice cream and ice lollies with me.  I am not 100% opposed to these but it is to be a treat and not an every day/every other day occurrence.  My husband probably said it the best that people can feed our son things we don't agree with every now and again but as long as we don't continue to feed it to our son, then he won't constantly request/demand it.  Unfortunately, some people cannot seem to leave us to our choices.

I will not name names.   Let's just say that it was not done that way when we were younger.  It all started when I admitted that if my son refuses to eat dinner, I don't offer him alternatives.  He will sometimes have toast before bed if he has had nothing at all for dinner and barely anything in the day and that's it.  I have heard that at his tender age, toddlers will not starve themselves.  I refuse to have a fussy child - I love food and trying new things and so should he one day.  I was told that that's not how it works and uncategorically that "you are wrong".  They were the exact words.   Those words played over and over again in my head for a week.  I tried to rationalise it with my husband and he told me that's not what was said and that it's just an opinion.  I then ran it by my sister and she tried to reassure me that I'm the parent and everyone parents differently.   The more I thought about it, the more I thought no, you're wrong.   Wrong for attacking me and also wrong in your opinion as it created more food issues than you think, ones I do not wish to repeat in my son.  An opinion is an opinion when you're sharing a view, not when you're making a definitive judgement on someone like whether they are right or wrong.  Whether you agree with my parenting style or not, my son is not suffering nor is he unhappy or malnourished.  I have had to endure many months of him not eating when I literally did anything to see him eat and although he was skinny, he was still healthy.  Now he is constantly eating and this is my opportunity to turn things around. 

I would like to think I have enough knowledge about sugar etc to be able to manage a good diet.  I try to stick to recommended salt and sugar intakes for toddlers where possible and therefore with the amount of fruit my son eats, I know he's probably hitting the upper limits if not exceeding them for sugar that he does not need a supplement in the form of biscuits, chocolate, sweets or ice cream.  As stated above, I also know that the fruits I am giving him contain natural sugar which is easy for the body to break down.  I avoid snacks which have added salt and sugar for my son but this is a little harder in cereal.  My son rotates between Cornflakes, Weetabix and "O's" for breakfast.  The first two as you know are fortified but unfortunately have added salt, the latter is from the "free from" organic section at the supermarket and is mostly natural except for the pomegranate juice from concentrate for flavour.  Not the best but better than other mainstream alternatives.  I know I must sound obsessive but for me it is common sense, I am not a label reader unless it requires it as my son still cannot eat egg whites.   I google recipes constantly to make sure my son gets his 5 a day and at least two portions of fish a week, I make packed lunches if we're going out which has as many healthy snacks as I can fit in his lunchbox.  I ensure he has at least one portion of fruit a day and more portions of vegetables. 

So round two.  My son and another toddler were offered lollies.  I said no, the other mum said yes.  I was asked why my son couldn't have one as it didn't have sugar in it because it was made from juice and water - it obviously did as these are cheap lollies, they are cheap for a reason.  The selling points marketed to me were that it has no additives, flavourings or fat.  This is the lolly:

They are marketed as "strawberry FLAVOUR ice lollies to freeze with juice, SUGAR and SWEETENER" - because sugar alone isn't enough right?  The second ingredient is juice FROM CONCENTRATE and the third is SUGAR.  I am putting these in capitals because I am dumbfounded that I could be frowned upon for not wanting to give this to my child.  He is a toddler of a mere 17 months old - what possible benefit could this have to him other than making him hyperactive and possibly staining his clothes?  We took our son to the park and said person who offered the lolly came with.  I bought my son a lolly as it was warm and he had been good all day.  This is the lolly I bought:

I have been unable to find the ingredients online but I assure you, the options are not marketed as a "flavour" nor does it have fruit juice from concentrate.  It is pure fruit, the same thing I would create myself at home for my son.  I was asked what the difference is and my explanation fell on deaf ears.  When another parent pulled out biscuits (covered in icing) and I was asked why my son couldn't have one when there was sugar in the lolly and I stated my argument yet again.  I was told (mocked) that sugar gives him energy how will he have any energy if he doesn't have sugar?  A few hours later the same person questioned how my son had so much energy that he was able to play much longer than his counterpart - his sugar intake wasn't even brought up.  His counterpart was sluggish and my son was running rings around him. 

As far as I am concerned, my son has his whole life to eat badly but it most certainly won't be on my watch.  I will let him try whatever he wants (within reason - gummy sweets are not acceptable on any level at his age) but there is no way he will be eating it more than once without there being a good reason.  While he's young and I still have authority, I will take care of my son and his insides as best as I can.  I want him to be as healthy and fit as he can be and whilst I have the manners not to respond back to public mocking, I know I am doing the right thing and I will not be bullied into giving in. 

~AB~