Not today messy play

I'm sure it's not too difficult to read if you start with my earlier posts that I'm a different person than I was when I first started this process. I'm not going to sugar coat things, I find motherhood difficult.  It was daunting when my son was first born and although I thought it would get better the older he got, it still hasn't.  Now to be clear I'm not saying that I don't want to be a mother anymore or even that I don't love my son, because neither could be further from the truth.  It's just that this is the most difficult job I have ever done and I can't find solutions to make it less difficult.  I know I'm often hard on myself and this is no different, I do want the best for my son and I want him to feel like I'm a fun mum and he didn't miss out on the enjoyment of a childhood.  There are so many of my friends and family who show me things they have been up to with their children and I feel a pang of jealousy as I haven't done that with my son and I feel like he's missing out.  I would like to think I'm creative but when it comes to play time, I draw blanks.

Everyone parents in their own way and I had no intention of not being fun but it turns out I'm a square.  Precious about cleaning and mess etc and not letting my son enjoy exploring for fear of him breaking something.  When I take him to messy play, he ignores the mess completely and I'm hoping that's not because I have given him a complex.  That being said, like a typical boy he loves climbing anyway and anything with wheels so maybe that's the reason why.  Reading this back I sound awful and so boring but I figure, why am I letting him create mess I'm going to have to clean up and in turn that will give me less one on one time?

So anyway, for the first time on Monday I let my son create mess.  I gave him a massive plastic bowl, and some uncooked pearl couscous and macaroni.  It was awful.  My son threw it everywhere and didn't smile the whole time and all I could think of was "please enjoy yourself, this is going to take forever to clean up".  The cleaning up process was so painful and time consuming I ended up putting my son in the playpen as his "helping" was actually making things a million times worse.  He was in tears, I was stressed, never ever again.  I know what you're thinking, why didn't I make play dough or paint instead? My son doesn't like the texture and feel of playdough he finds it weird and as for painting well I don't think I can quite let go enough for that yet.  He does it nursery and until I can be less of a control freak about it, I think it's best for both of us I stay away.  I have let my son doodle with colouring pencils however but crayons he tries to eat so they're a no go.  Yes, I'm a complete bore, I would much rather send my son to soft play or toddler gymnastics rather than create mess.

Other mums constantly admit to me that they freak out at the thought of the mess and that they don't feel comfortable letting their toddlers messy play at home but yet their instagrams say different.  I get that I must sound like a fruit loop but I am immensely paranoid that I'm the only mother who feels this way.  Am I?  Is there anyone else who is this precious about messy play? I think this weekend I will need to give it another go while my husband is also home and just let my son get messy.  Then we can bath him immediately afterwards to minimise mess. 

Maybe I should clarify further that I might not be so precious if my extremely active son wouldn't get up mid-activity and wipe his hands all over our walls and his toys.  We still have no gates up because I feel he should have the freedom to wander from room to room without feeling like a caged animal.  I have also seen his face when he was confined to a room at a friend's house and I don't know if I could experience that again.  I guess you could say my son is relatively trustworthy too if a toddler can be that way? Anything dangerous is well out of reach and things that we couldn't move out of reach like the TV he knows full well not to touch.  He is also over the stairs so only goes up it when both my husband and I are home and he can hear one of us upstairs and he is never allowed down the stairs unsupervised.

Maybe there is something I can start small with? He loves splashing around in the bath and rubbing his hands in something he has spilt on the floor if I can't get to it quick enough so there must be something liquid that won't cause me to freak out - just until he learns a little self-control.  That's a lot to ask for a toddler but he's a smart boy, hopefully that will happen soon, right? What activities do you swear by that are messy but not too messy?

~AB~