My D-Day

The day has finally arrived that I return to the working world.  As I wave goodbye to the maternity leave which ended way too soon I'd like to reflect on how I spent my return to work eve: 

• Washing clothes and everyone's bedsheets
• Dusting 
• Painting two walls of the study 
• Cleaning the kitchen
• Hoovering 
• Sorting my son's clothes and vacuum bagging the stuff he can't fit into anymore
• Sorting out my nails as they were turning into claws 
• Beautifying myself 
• Cuddles with my son who has been asleep since he got back from nursery 
• Crying 
• Not napping 

It has been a ridiculously busy day for me unhindered by the cries of my unwell baby boy and although part of me has enjoyed it, I'm annoyed I didn't make time for that nap so I'm fresh and relatively rested for my first day back. 

I cried the whole way back from dropping off my son this morning feeling sorry for myself that I am deserting my son (harsh and definitely not true) and that I'm an unfit mother - you can see the way my brain works.  I'm not going to toot my own horn but I know for a fact that that's not true either and I'm being way to hard on myself.  I can write this but I cannot reassure myself this as my heart is breaking faster than I can put it back together.

As I sit here, still crying and feeling sorry for myself I think about how many women have gone through this heartache before me, was it so difficult for my mum to send my sister and I off? And for her mum before her? And then her mum? 

Like I've said before, I know sometimes my son and I get bored of each other but I wouldn't change things for the world.  I will truly miss spending all day long with him, 5 days a week (the weekends are daddy time), watching his little face while he's sleeping, cuddles in bed for mid morning nap time, playing and chatting while I change his nappy and clothes, his face when he really loves something I'm feeding him, kissing the back of his head when he's sitting on my lap and we're watching nursery rhymes or reading, playing peekaboo and seeing him craning his neck to try to find me...  I could go on and on and yet these are moments only I will remember as my son unfortunately will continue to forget them as he gets older.  Motherhood is a cruel game but also the best club to be a member of especially when you do remember moments like those I have just mentioned.  Despite all of the tears and sadness, I'm so lucky to be a mummy to the best little boy in the world, my heart is so full of love for him and hopefully absence will make the heart grow fonder.  That being said, any fonder and my heart would explode! 

Ok, I think I'm done now.  Off to finish of the rest of my to do list before my very early bedtime. 

~AB~