Settling In

So I'm due to return to work in just over a week's time throwing me back into the adult world.  This is not just a period of extreme change for me but also my son who will have to learn to be without any family members for almost 12 hours one day a week.  He will also be without his mummy longer than he has ever been before but I honestly don't think he's too bothered as long as he is with one of the family members.  

 

At his chosen nursery they carry out a period of what they call "settling in".  This is a gradual process of two weeks slowly increasing my son's exposure to the nursery environment.  Yesterday was one hour without me, today is two hours without me, tomorrow will be two hours but at a different time of day, the next day will be three hours etc etc.  Today is Day 2 and I am sitting in a café trying not to cry as I write and clock watching till I can go and collect my baby.  His first day he fell asleep on his way there and being nosey, he was woken up by the sound of other children the moment we got there.  Tired baby and disorientation means he was not crying for a total of 10 minutes.  When we got home, he was so affectionate (not like him at all) but enjoyed a little snuggle to get to sleep.  My heart is breaking.  And now I'm crying.  In public.  

The thing is that yesterday, although I had to count to 40 to calm down when I left my son, once I had done all of my errands and sat down in a coffee shop to my peppermint tea and bacon butty, I couldn't help but think... this is nice! No rushing to get somewhere on time, no needing to worry about anything in that moment, no wondering if I had forgotten to pack something for just an hour trip out of the house.  The last time I could do that was when I was pregnant.  I enjoyed the eating out at restaurants, going for a tea in a shop, sitting down to read, just me and my bump alone, no cares in the world.  Then immediately after I thought that, I felt guilty then concerned.  Because of course a mother is not a mother without mother's guilt.  How dare I enjoy myself, my son is probably crying his eyes out, I've left my poor baby with a bunch of strangers and I'm enjoying my tea, what kind of mother does that? Crazy right? Not only because he was literally out of my sight for not even an hour but he was with trained professionals who know babies better than I could.  Why beat myself up when I'm only having a break of what ended up as only 20mins in the end?  Mothers give themselves such a hard time.  When they are given free time how could they have the audacity to relax when there's so much they could be doing instead?

I know it will get easier for the both of us but on the positive side, much better that this is happening now than two years down the line when I am all my son truly knows and the separation anxiety for both of us, particularly him is even more unbearable.  I'm doing the right thing, right? 

~AB~