I have always appreciated quality over quantity and the same can be said of my friends and friendships. I adore all of my friends and despite only having me in common, when they all get together, they get along well and some of them have even struck up friendships with each other too.
I don't really know how over the years I have managed to amass such a wonderful group of people. They're all so different, some introverted, some extroverted, some are spiritual, some are massive foodies but they're all good friends and in some cases, best friends of mine. I myself am introverted, loyal, a romantic, a control freak and a believer in gut instinct and intuition. I am opinionated but will only show the passionate side of that with people I am comfortable with. I was never in the popular group at school but always got along with every social group at school and always had a friend in each group. I was right in the middle and I guess you could say I was just one of the crowd but I have never been a sheep. I have never given in to peer pressure and by choice do not and have never smoked or taken drugs and although I do occasionally drink, it's no longer to the excess of my late teenage years. I have always thought I was polite and sufficiently nice on a first meeting but despite the fact I have always been shy I have never had problems greeting people.
More recently though, I have become more and more shy and awkward around people. I was a little forgetful when I was pregnant but since having my little boy maybe it's my tiredness but all ability to form a proper conversation has gone out of the window. I have trouble articulating what I need to say (I actually just had to ask my husband to help me articulate what I needed to say in this sentence) and saying the right thing at the right time. More than once I have said something awkward and inappropriate and have immediately regretted it as the words came out completely different to my much slower thought process. I have never struggled to write down how I feel and because I have so much more time to write than think on the spot this is so much more natural to me. I am very aware though, I write as I would speak and sometimes my writing doesn't make any sense to anyone but me so no matter how much I read it back, nothing seems wrong in my proofreading. Maybe the natural progression would be to online chat to other mums, something which I have never really considered but now more than ever I am afraid of unintentionally offending people.
My son is almost 6 months old and to date I have spoken to other mums but I don't have any mummy friends. I have some existing friends who have children but they all live quite far from me so we don't see them often. It's not that I don't get out there as since his birth we have been to a breastfeeding cafe (twice, against my better judgement), baby massage classes, sensory classes, swimming and yoga classes yet I still can't seem to click with anyone who can see past my awkwardness.
More recently, my husband and I attended a weaning class together as I like to try and include him in developmental classes wherever I can and if he can get the time off. He is "our" child after all and I believe our son should spend as much quality time with his daddy as he can so they can nurture a bond early. On arriving at the class I recognised a mum I had spoken to and met a couple of times before who at our last meeting had taken my number... and then never made contact. A risky move considering we live in the same area and we were likely to meet again. It was clear that she had made loads of mummy friends since our last meeting, the majority of the class being just that and they had even planned to go for coffee and walk after the class. Although I was hurt, one thing made me realise that maybe I would never have fit in with them anyway, their footwear. Upon leaving, my husband sensed I was a little upset but trying not to make it worse he made a joke out of it and I then shared my observation with him. All of the mothers bar me and one other (who was wearing birkenstocks) were wearing converse. I have nothing against converse trainers and in fact I have been toying with getting a pair but they would in no way be my every day shoe of choice, it's just not me. What was I wearing? Ballerina pumps. I have them in many different colours, they never age, they're universal and they're feminine. I'm not a massive girly girl I don't think but I love me some ballerina pumps.
So what does that say about my personality? No idea but it's clear to me I'm not like those other mums. I know you can't base a friendship around taste in shoes but I felt I could gauge whether I would fit in from that alone which brings me back full circle. I have never believed in having friends for the sake of it and the same can be said for this situation. Maybe I have been too hard on myself blaming my awkwardness but there is a lot of pressure to find other new mums to share your experience with and the only thing you have in common with this other person is that you have a baby. Like millions of other women/men in the whole world. Call me naive but why should that form the basis of a friendship? Shouldn't you strive for more in someone you are spending a lot of time with and sharing advice with in bringing up a baby? I have always seemed to look for someone I have a connection with, you know when you meet someone and there is always something to say even if you're shy, someone who just gets you like all of my current friends. I have made a date with another mum in a week who I'm hoping I have that with but if not, I will still keep searching. I will also definitely look into online chatrooms for and to give advice but I won't be expecting lifelong friendship from there.
I remain hopeful I will find other mums I do have an affinity with and if not, my son will be at nursery soon and will form his own friendships, not ones I have forced on him. He has enough interaction with other babies at our classes and other adults in our friends and family that I'm not concerned for his social development. This may make me antisocial and very occasionally I do feel lonely but my existing friends have set a high bar for friendship, one which I am reluctant to lower to be able to supposedly "cope" as a new mum.
~AB~
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