Keeping busy

At the moment, free time is a bit of a luxury.  I am making a concerted effort to no longer use my iPad or phone for long periods in front of my son and I have deactivated my Facebook profile again so I have no other distractions.

I have been trying to get our household in order which means sorting out the new room for my son. Since last posting the ideas I had, things have now changed somewhat.  I won't be posting the new ideas up here as I'm still not 100% myself - I still have no idea what to do about furniture, but what I have decided on is as follows:

• A car track (like Scalextric) chandelier 
• a very pale grey blue on the top 2/3rds of the room 
• a 10cm magnetic strip border 
• navy paint on the bottom half of the walls with classic cars stencilled out of it 

No more mural, no more red but definitely still a car bed.  The border should be able to hold die-cast cars but this will have to tested by my husband.  Whilst I'm a little disappointed that my son will be getting a "typical" room, it is after all what he absolutely loves and I want a room that will grow with him for a few years.  Blue is in no way as aggressive as a red room so this is the safer bet for now.  In a bid to cut costs, I have been the one stripping away the walls my father so kindly decorated a mere 3 years ago.  Unfortunately it has taken me two nap times to do just one wall but I'm hoping to improve on that.  I have also stripped right back to the concrete which is really time consuming but I'm hoping will be well worth it in the end.  Photos will follow once things start coming into place a little bit more.  

Separately, I have also been trying to keep myself and my son busy doing stuff together.  I know that because of anxieties etc I am not able to entertain my son the way he needs to be.  It also means that I neglect taking him out on walks etc because I mentally cannot get myself out of the house.  Some could view this as a shortcoming but it is one that, if I wasn't struggling I would be able to ignore. That being said, on Saturday morning before the party, my son gave his scooter a whirl for the first time outside (he rides it up and down our hallway sometimes) but he did get bored and run off after a while so we put it back in the house and went for a long walk.  My son is a massive fan of Julia Donaldson's Stick Man and so we managed to find many stick men and stick babies over the course of our hour long walk.  This is pretty rare, we don't usually do things like this and I am regretful for it so I have set in place a bunch of activities to keep us constantly moving.   

I have three days a week alone with my son.  Three full days to keep him busy and happy.  On Mondays I have now enrolled my son back into swimming classes.  His interest and love of water has grown exponentially since our holiday and although he fights me when I try and hold him (because he thinks he can learn to swim "on my own") he loved our first class together.  It feels like we're truly bonding as well because I can feel his trust in me when I have to have him lie back in the water.  He holds my hand if ever he feels scared which is not often and I can relax too as I love the water.  On Tuesdays, we have music classes.  My son has started to rebel against the classes by running around during them instead of sitting and listening/copying the teacher so I'm a little concerned as to whether we should continue next term but I am keen for him to be musical.  Both my husband and I learnt instruments in school and we were both part of our school choirs and I have rejoined one recently as a hobby.  He seems to have an affinity for pianos and keyboards but his concentration span is so short so I need to find something that works for him.   Wednesdays is playgroup day, he has an entire hour and half dedicated to toys which are not his own.  He can create as much mess as he likes (within reason) and he has access to things we don't have at home like balance bikes.  He loves his Wednesdays and it's nice to see him sometimes sharing toys or playing nicely with others.  All of these activities force me to get out of the house, I have to do it and therefore my son gets a little more of me and serious bonding time. 

I have also been looking at other things we can do together.  I would love to take him to the National Maritime Museum in Greenwich.  They have a new gallery for under 7's called Ahoy! which sounds like something he would love. 

National Maritime Museum (c) Maternity Leave Life

We have already been on the Gruffalo trail but there is now an app where you can see the characters live and even take a picture of them with your child: https://www.familiesonline.co.uk/life/news/bring-the-gruffalo-characters-to-life-with-gruffalo-spotters so this definitely warrants another trip back. 

Not too far from there is also a Stick Man trail which we need to go to:

Weald Country Park (c) Essex County Parks

And finally, I have been meaning to do this with my son, ceramic painting.  We did try to go during the half term as I completely forgot it was half term but the shop was fully booked.  I intend to take me son here so we can paint him a piggy bank and we can start paying him when he tidies up.  He thinks coins are magic so this is perfect although I imagine there will be a lot of putting the coins in and taking them out again initially.  

This seems so tame I know but I assure you I have been trying to mentally do these things for at least the last month and none have come to pass.  I will let you know when we do though. 

~AB~

We're all in the same boat

Last weekend, my son had two birthday parties.  Two 1 year olds in one weekend and it was exhausting.  My experience after the second party however makes me feel like I'm not alone.  I will explain later.

The first of the two parties was in a scout hut, a free for all for all kids and a standard party of food and music with scattered toys for different ages and a bouncy castle.  However, it was in the middle of the day and by that I mean while my son would usually be napping.  The kids there ranged from a couple of months to pre-teens.  My friend did the best she could with that situation, she also catered for me and my sister with tons of dairy free food so I shouldn't complain. My son however, spent the entire time we were there trying to escape and edging towards the door when he thought people weren't looking.  They say your children can sense how you are feeling and I feel badly that he may have been acting out how I was feeling but it just wasn't our kind of thing, we promptly left and my son was grouchy for the rest of the afternoon having had only 20 minutes of nap on the way there and basically very little to eat.

The following day, the party was held at a local soft play space.  It was about the size of a small shop and it was perfect and safe and had just the right amount of climbing things to keep my son occupied and there were soft mats everywhere.  The place looked like it was made for my son.  It was at a very sociable 10.30am and everything was done by 12.30pm.  The play was broken up by singing in a circle and pretending they were animals of different sorts with a lot of encouragement on imaginative play. Then after sandwiches, they all went back to play again for another 30 minutes before singing happy birthday and then we all left.  My son again ate nothing but he walked out and said, "Mummy, my had fun".  My heart melted.  That's all I can ask for, I know fun doesn't feed him but I loved that he enjoyed himself.  We took him to the local supermarket to get something quick to eat and he started to fall asleep in the trolley (we have to get a trolley otherwise he gets annoyed even if it's for two things - this is a different story).  I did have to wake him to feed him but afterwards he had a lovely long nap and woke up refreshed and happy.  Perfect.

Now, the supermarket trip was lovely for two reasons.  One, my son falling asleep in a trolley is really sweet, he must have been so tired!  Two, the trip back to the car.  At supermarkets there are usually many parent and child car spaces.  Usually you don't really see the other parents as they are literally just taking their child out or putting their child in the car so you don't pay attention.  At the party, only the children were catered for so when we went to the supermarket we got sandwiches for myself and my husband too to eat in the car.  While I was finishing feeding my son in the trolley by our car, there was a mother who had clearly bought a train set, wrapping paper and tape from the supermarket and was wrapping said train set on the bonnet of her car while her husband entertained their children.   Queue another family who were walking back to their car.  A husband, wife and their two kids who had obviously been winding up their mother something rotten and the dad was doing his best to keep things calm.  He looked over at my son sitting quietly in the trolley with a full mouth and smiled at him.  I looked over at the mum and smiled at her because who hasn't had a day like that.  When I had loaded my son into his car seat and sat down to start my sandwich, I said to my husband, "that poor mum, she looked so tired", he responded with, "well she must be to have come to the supermarket in her slippers".  I hadn't even noticed.  If I could genuinely pull this off, I would have done it many times too.  Those two women represent two parts of me that are a constant struggle I imagine for most mums if not some dads too.  Trying to stay on top of everything all of the time is so very very hard.  I couldn't help but smile to myself because we're all in the same boat, every day isn't a pipe dream and I wish that sometimes it were a little easier but then it wouldn't be so rewarding if parenting was easy.

~AB~

Trying new recipes

Healthy eating is still a top priority for me and the couple of health scares my family have had in the last 6 months are a sure sign that we need to take care of ourselves.  I have said to my husband so many times, I don't want him to try and get out of being married to me by giving himself a heart attack due to the amount of saturated fat we used to eat.  Extreme I know but what's the harm in a little scaremongering if it keeps him around for a bit longer?

I'm still very subscribed to The Body Coach, it suits my lifestyle and I really enjoy the HIIT workouts (when I can fit them in).  I have also started doing TRX workouts to help tone and I'm loving that too thanks to my PT friend! They're so quick and simple and really target the areas I need to tone.  My kind of exercise.  As well as his recipes I have also looked at alternative sources for getting the best food into my family.  I want the food to taste great as well as look after us but I had found especially towards the back end of 2016 that the dinners were getting all too samey.  I have looked on my usual mum sites (Annabel Karmel, Homemade by you etc) for inspiration but nothing had actually jumped out at me.  This changed just before the new year when I was introduced to Simply Cook.  I had heard of it before and in fact my husband had mentioned something similar to make it easier for us to meal plan.  I stupidly poo-pooed the idea as I thought we could get shopping cheaper and make the dinners cheaper - if he was me, I would be feeling smug right about now.

Simply Cook is a box subscription for simple yet different recipes which you cook in your home and they provide the inspiration (recipes) based on whether you like your food mild, medium or mega spicy and your dietary requirements.  It's basically a lottery of recipes and they pick four for your box at random.  When it eventually arrives (mine took over a week and the holiday season is a terrible excuse) you are supplied with four recipe cards and herbs and spices for each recipe you wouldn't easily be able to get from a supermarket.  You then need to buy the rest i.e. chicken thighs, beef mince, veggies etc.  Last night we tried this for the first time and I chose to cook Bibimbap.  I have never tried this dish before and so had no idea what to expect.  My family are both Jewish and Filipino so my entire life I have been fed a wide range of dishes and am always open to trying new things.  My husband, not so much, but since being with me he has been a lot more willing (within reason).  We're trying to instill this into our son and touch wood, he has been relatively forthcoming so far.  We have also been able to take him out to eat with us like to Thai restaurants and for my Dad's birthday a Japanese/Brazilian fusion restaurant where he ate a lot of the food we did and even tried out chopsticks.  Anyway, here is what it's supposed to look like:

https://www.simplycook.com/recipes/bibimbap-gluten-free

And here is what it actually looked like:

I know my presentation needs work!

I didn't add the Gochujang sauce to my son's meal as it would be wayyyy too spicy although he tried to eat ours a number of times.  I should mention I unfortunately know his spice threshold so I'm not depriving him from anything.  He has had hot wings before - he stole them off of my plate before I could stop him, and while crying looked at me like why are you doing this to my mouth and why aren't you in pain eating them too?  Aside from the beansprouts, he ate every mouthful as did my husband and I and it was delicious! I have cancelled my subscription for the time being as I was a little disappointed I was literally paying for recipe cards and herbs/paste/stock but depending on how the other meals go, we may do it again some time.   We also have their jerk chicken recipe on the menu for this week and then have the Iranian Stew and Jambalaya left to try so I will keep you updated.

Another company I am looking into trying out to expand my offering is Hello Fresh.  Unlike Simply Cook they send you a box with everything you need for each recipe so no shopping is required.  As I haven't yet tried this I can't offer my opinion on it but I'm looking forward to trying them out hopefully in the next couple of months and will feed back! My friend has also tried Mindful Chef which is similar to Hello Fresh.  She has found this a massive help as she transitions to Veganism due to her intolerances.  She has even told me about an amazing recipe for a Black Bean burger - something she would never have tried without them.

I'm so excited for our future meal plans.  I hope this will give me loads of new inspiration and as a foodie my taste buds can't wait.

~AB~


*this post is entirely my own opinion and has not been sponsored by any of the above-mentioned companies

A new year, a new me?

I don't think so.

As I have said before, I will not be making resolutions.  Whilst the new year is the chance to start afresh, I find that January is usually the most difficult month.  I'm still relaxing from the ridiculousness that is the holiday period and let's be honest, like many others, I am broke for most of January so it is difficult to start anything new if I can't afford to do it.  My new year last year started in July when I finished my last session with my kinesiologist feeling bright and optimistic.  It didn't last long, as you may have read in earlier posts but I will take opportunities thrown at me with both hands regardless of the month they are given to me.

2016 was eye opening, not least because I felt the real me for the first time in a very long time even if it was only briefly.  I also hit the bottom again hard and am still trying to resurface.  I know it was a difficult year for many and now that the new year is here, like many, I am waiting in anticipation at what 2017 will now throw at us.  That being said, here are a couple of ideas I would like to try out:

A positive memory jar 
January on Facebook means the circulation of loads of ideas on how to improve your life in 2017.  I usually eye roll at most of them but this idea caught my attention because I think it will have great value in how I view my time.  The concept is, at the end of each week you write down a positive thing/event that has happened and you put it into the jar.  On new year's eve of that year, you then empty the jar and read everything you have put in there, the idea being that you reflect positively on your year and take that positivity forward.  I mostly like this as there are so many little things that happen that you completely forget about and it's nice to remember and relive each moment all over again.

Funny phrases log
This is for those with children but from the moment your child starts speaking - start a log of the hilarious things that they say.  My son's vocabulary and speech have come along leaps and bounds so I am definitely keen to do this.  That being said, at the moment he is mostly a parrot and copying everything so nothing he says is quite so original yet but we will get there.  I will definitely be adding to the list the cute things like "peatot"- teapot and "rainboat" - rainbow as they're the sweetest little words.

What ideas are you planning to try out or have tried already?

And to finish, because she is hilarious, here is a blog post I read a couple of days ago which made me laugh to tears about going back to work after a second maternity leave.  It's an old post but still so valid:

http://www.selfishmother.com/15-good-reasons-to-go-back-to-work/#

~AB~

Christmas and the 2s

My son is now officially 2.  Of course he begun his transition way before he was 2 and his speech is amazing so he can tell us many things that are wrong etc but I'm not going to knock it as he can tell us exactly what it is that he needs.  He received a toy grand piano for Christmas (that is another story) as he loves to sing and dance and treated us to a rendition of the Wheels on the Bus which again for his age is amazing.  I cannot believe he has got to this landmark so quickly, it seems like yesterday I was pregnant and here he is, my own little whirlwind with his own personality and character.  It's easy to see the traits he has picked up from my husband and I... my short patience and inquisitiveness and my husband's charm and sense of humour but he is so much his own person and it's fascinating to see what we have created together.  

This year we took him to see the steam trains at North Weald and he has his very own ride on the Santa Special, gorging on his mince pie at 10am while Santa handed him a present.  From what I can tell he had a lovely time and I'm really hoping that despite how bitterly cold it was he will have some warm memories of it.   If you're ever in the area and you're a huge lover of trains I would definitely recommend it! They also have a vintage bus that can collect you from either Epping or Ongar stations as they have limited parking on site. 

http://eorailway.co.uk/

The train ride was then followed up by lunch in a local pub and then everyone was back to ours after naptime for dinner around 4 which consisted of an oriental themed buffet and Christmas tipples!  As per our new tradition, I made my son's cake and modelled it on a cake I had seen online.  Unfortunately, I left it too late to buy a 2 cake tin, but some of the mum's on the local mums group helped me out with this amazing diagram:

And so, without further ado, here is the cake in stages (I didn't photograph after I filled it):

 

I apologise for the mess you can see in the background but I think given that I finished at 1.30am on the morning of my son's birthday, it doesn't look too shabby! The recipes were courtesy of:

Cake: Aliciak @ Instructables
Filling: All about Chantelle 

I kid you not the cake came out amazingly and even the dairy eaters couldn't tell it was vegan, it also kept for a really long time without going hard or drying out which was also amazing.  For the filling, to keep it dairy free I used Flora Dairy Free butter but it didn't make a difference as again everyone could taste exactly what I was aiming for which was Terry's chocolate orange!  As you can probably see, I had a little trouble when cutting it up and moving it about as the cake started splitting but I don't think you can tell from the finished product and I certainly didn't think about it when I was stuffing it in my mouth.  Another year, another cake but I think these recipes will be used many more times, they were so very easy. 

Christmas here well there isn't too much to report.  It was a lovely quiet one just the three of us and so I made food I know we all love.  Ribs for my little boy and pork belly for me and the husband followed by cheesecake for the dairy eaters and free from chocolate logs for me.  It was a lovely relaxing day and to be honest it topped of an exhausting week, we all went to bed early that night and felt much better for it.  Presents-wise, my son got absolutely spoilt by family as per usual although they all mostly stuck to the list I provided of his favourites so far he was given a car transporter truck full of cars, a train set and a baby Grand Piano (birthday present but still a favourite).  He loved the scooter we got him and has managed to teach himself pretty quickly how to ride it so I cannot wait till he's less full of cold and he can have a go outside.  For me, I asked for a new bag and purse... my son has the best taste:

Happy holidays and hope you have an amazing 2017.

~AB~

Wedding music

Music was a massive thing at our wedding.  Both my husband and I love to sing and although some of our tastes in music differ, we can wholeheartedly agree on Motown and R&B.  When it came to devising music lists for our wedding however, it was so difficult to pick favourites.  My husband and I don't have a particular song which means something to us so we literally had the choice of anything we wanted (except anything that had religious connotations as we had a civil ceremony).  I did originally want to walk down the aisle to Ave Maria but unfortunately due to that rule I couldn't.  We had a lot of Vitamin String Quartet songs because they're amazing and also a lot of the soundtrack of Love Actually.  I walked down the aisle to Eva Cassidy's Songbird and it still makes me cry listening to it as her voice is so beautiful.  Also if you've ever seen the film... Karl.

I have no idea what it will be like for my brother and future sister-in-law and picking music.   Their taste isn't a million miles off of what I currently listen to but they will have a completely different audience than we did.  There has also been talks of a steel band for part of the wedding.

If you need a little inspiration or are simply curious about what I would listen to, here youtubes of two of my absolutely faves (one of which I am singing in my head right now):

And this is the song we ended the night on because "see they don't do this anymore":

Light reading

I am loving this emergence of mothers who feel they can be honest with the world about how hard parenthood truly is.  In fact, Dads have twitter feeds and instagrams with hilarious anecdotes and images that could only come from a parent's camera/experience.   These writings, books and images have given me solace over the last few months so, if like me, you're not quite feeling your best and could do with some cheering up, I hope these help:

Reasons my son is crying: https://twitter.com/reasonsmysoncry
Queens of Constance: http://queensofconstance.com/
Renegade Mothering: http://www.renegademothering.com/
Selfish Mother: http://www.selfishmother.com/
James Breakwell: https://twitter.com/xplodingunicorn
Weird Couples (I am loyal to the original couple and couldn't warm to the new ones - also I totally didn't cry when I found out they were expecting...): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0PtUxA4JeEJErMmcXRhGdM5h9FblUkI3

Weddings, weddings, weddings

I wish I could get married all over again.  I frequently beg my husband to let us renew our vows in Las Vegas.  So far, as I'm sure you can surmise, I have been unsuccessful but I will wear him down and it will happen I'm sure.

The main reason I love weddings so much is probably the research - creating the perfect day of romance but trying to add each of the bride and grooms' personalities in so it's more personal.

My brother-in-law proposed to his girlfriend last Christmas and ever since then she has been slowly pinning ideas to pinterest and gathering inspiration... that unfortunately is as far as everything has gone.   When they last visited us in London she made it clear she didn't have the inclination to do any planning and was hoping someone else would do it for her... I'm sure you can imagine what happened next.  I have spent the last couple of weeks researching venues and the legalities of weddings in Barbados and I have absolutely loved it!  We were all in Barbados a couple of weeks ago and spent an entire day viewing venues.  The weather was horrific but I loved every moment of it.  I put my wedding planning hat on, tried to ask as many questions as possible at each of the venues and managed to narrow down even further exactly what it is that my future sister-in-law wants out of her day.

While the day itself is still another two years away, I cannot wait.  Every spare moment I get for planning will be just as exciting as when it was my own wedding.  Armed with her pinterest page, the budget and my ideas I'm so excited to make her dreams come true and although it's a lot of pressure I will pull it off no matter what it takes.

If you are planning your own holiday abroad, here are some of the venues we have considered:

Bougainvillea Beach Resort

Sugar Bay

The Cliff Restaurant

Cobblers Cove

The Crane Resort

Let me explain...

It has been a while I know and whilst I am making a concerted effort not to make excuses I feel... I should explain.

Obviously I have never made it a secret that I struggle with motherhood, the increasing pressure (probably self-inflicted) makes me feel like a terrible mother daily.  The outpourings on social media of celebrity mothers who themselves are also struggling does serve to ease my mind a little but it is still a daily struggle.

Whilst I am not saying I have post natal depression (as I don't), I am exhibiting a lot of the signs of it but these "feelings" have been around long before my son, I just failed to do much about it instead putting it down to unhappiness or circumstance.  This month has been a "down" month, where I have struggled to do many things, including what I would deem to be a fun mum.  I have signed back up with my kinesiologist to get myself back in order and to an extent that was successful as I had my first and second home painting session with my son in the last couple of weeks that went without a hitch. Until my body started rejecting the new remedies I have been taking and I am now back to square one.  Joy.

When I was younger (like my late teens, early 20s), I had so much enthusiasm and wanted to learn so much from everywhere all of the time.  I have never been a university person, I did go for a year but it really wasn't for me but I love to learn.  I suppose you could say that my thirst for knowledge and learning has never truly waned but my enthusiasm definitely has.  I approach new jobs like a giddy school girl, excited and wide eyed, ready to take on anything.  Usually within the first two weeks, that excitements fades as I am left with the realisation that the company have no intention of letting me learn more than my actual job role and their own disenchantment becomes contagious.  Years of this I suppose have worn me down.

Then there is the social aspect.  I am the organiser, the planner.  I always have been.  Before my son, I was the one who arranged outings, coordinated friends' diaries so we could all meet up and make sure we had gone to that bar that does those amazing cocktails or eaten that weird combination of ice cream that only hipster pop-up bars have etc.  When I started my maternity leave... nothing happened. No one arranged anything, people contacted me to see how I was etc but I am assuming people thought I would be so consumed with motherhood I wouldn't be able to actually go out ever again.  In fact, that was when I needed to go out the most, when I was still in the early stages of motherhood, when my son did nothing but literally drink, sleep and poop and was easy to take care of, before I realised this was not what motherhood was supposed to feel like.  Whilst I love all of my friends, I often feel very much alone.

Maybe to an outsider it is obvious but to me I couldn't see that anything was wrong with anything in my life.  I have a very nice life, my husband is supportive, patient and helpful, my son seems to be trying his hardest not to be a tearaway, I have a good relationship with my sister, my friends are great, I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge.  Life could obviously be a lot worse and I am grateful yet so sad that I don't seem grateful.

As I am writing this, I am indeed, sad.  I don't wish for sympathy or a cuddle I just feel the need to say it out loud.  That does not mean to say this is it for my online diary but I feel like I am spinning so many plates at the moment.  Once I can settle myself, successfully celebrate our family's first holiday and my son's second birthday then maybe things will be a little more calm.  Roll on 2017, I'm so over 2016 already.

~AB~

Christmas ideas

My sister and I went to an event called StylistLive last week.  Stylist (the host company) is a free magazine which launched not so many moons ago and has become my bible ever since.  I absolutely love the articles and most importantly their lists at the beginning of every magazine.  The lust lists.  There are always so many amazing things on there and I dream of owning them.  StylistLive was an exhibition where there were talks, stalls for buying things and catwalk shows - my kind of place.  I had vegan cupcakes, what seemed like the largest Greek salad I have ever eaten and attended a talk about blogging.  They had absolutely everything there and I cannot wait for the one in 2017. 

(Turn down the sound, this was by a main road!)

Anyway, as I am apparently a loyal reader I was given two free tickets to attend two of their quieter days and I jumped at the opportunity.   Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of the vegan cupcakes but I can assure you they were lovely! My sister, who was initially annoyed at being invited as she had to begrudgingly take a day off work (she is self-employed), enjoyed herself and even got to attend a talk about house buying which left her feeling a little more optimistic about home ownership.  To put it into perspective, our news outlets regularly report that first time buyers of homes will only be able to buy in their 40s due to affordability (in London).

That aside, there were some amazing stands for me to start my Christmas shopping.  Notonthehighstreet, which is similar to Etsy showcased their most popular picks on their site and offered the opportunity to personalise jewellery for free.  My sister fell in love with their necklaces and she is now the proud owner of a rose gold personalised pendant just like this but at the back of the pic:

I also intend to buy a sweatshirt for my son like this (with a floral applique instead of camo) from Edy & Bridge who are on Etsy:

And they have also agreed to make a personalised order for me so my son can have his birthday number sweatshirt just like last year!

I dislike buying samey things every year and I love everyone to have something a little bit more personal.  I love both of these as they will be as unique as the person wearing them.  Other things I will be buying this Christmas are:

A Nintendo Mini - for my long suffering husband

Buckaroo - for my nephew

National Geographic's Big Book of Why - for my inquisitive little brother
(I'm also getting their Space one too for him)

An amazing informative and fun lift the flap book - for my husband's Godson

And a very boring but very useful gift card for my mum

I'm still racking my brain as to what to get my Dad.  I absolutely love Christmas and I will hopefully be finishing a couple of projects which I will post up here when we're done.

Oh and before I forget, because you know Christmas actually starts on 1st December, my son will be getting his very first advent calendar, which looks like this...

Instead of chocolate they are mini Thomas the Tank Engine trains and the box unfolds into a train track!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!

~AB~

Life always gets in the way

I won't make excuses, I have dropped the ball a little bit.  At home, here, in life.  Everything seems to be happening all at once and I am literally just keeping the balls in the air. 

This week, my husband has been away with work and I thought I could genuinely handle just my son and I being that it was only 3 days and 5 nights.  These are the three days in a very long time he has decided he will do literally everything we have ever told him not to and I am exhausted.  I do not know how single parents do it so props to them.  I will admit right now I lost my temper, on more than once occasion.  I have had to step away from the situation on more than one occasion and yesterday... the naughty step happened because, I won't admit this to the enemy (my son) but I was defeated.  I am a strong believer in using the power of words to discipline a child especially as my parents did not feel that way but then again they are of a very very different generation.  That all being said, I am pretty sure I handled this week waaaaay better than a year ago me would have so self-five to that!

So the changes.  Well I have joined a choir for one.  This was my third week and I absolutely love it.  I have been looking for one to join for a very long time and despite the fact the majority of women are retired, they're all so young-minded and fun and it reminds me of what I have been missing all of this time.  I loved to sing at school and in fact my husband has said on more than one occasion I have the weird ability of knowing the lyrics to a ridiculous amount of songs.  As a mum, it's nice to have that me time and I know I'm really really lucky to have it.  I am really looking forward to Christmas when we have a bunch of concerts lined up and my family can hear us.

My husband has been in transition, moving to a new company and learning the ropes all over again.  He finished his stint as a stay at home dad in the last couple of weeks while I took on some more hours at work to help out and I think despite loving the bonding time with our son, he was relieved to be back having adult conversation again.  I think the whole experience has been a bit of an eye opener for the whole family.  I am pretty certain I need to find my niche away from my current company and pursue it with all of my energy.  I know there is something out there that will challenge my mind, that I will enjoy and will also pay me for the pleasure. 

Finally my son has started up music classes for toddlers, he doesn't seem to enjoy it and seems to spend the whole class desperately trying not to interact.  This is the same boy who dances to the radio and sings twinkle, twinkle and no more monkeys jumping on the bed to me.  I do not understand him.  While the classes are more about the introduction of instruments, structure and listening through music, I am getting the impression my son just does not like the structure.  Unfortunately, this tough as my son is going to have to learn a class environment in the next two years.

I realise this doesn't sound like a lot at all (there is probably more I cannot think of right now) but these and mothering have kept me so busy.   I cannot wait for this weekend and hopefully having a lie in.  I will definitely be counting my blessings, my husband will be back again.   What have you been up to? Anything exciting?

~AB~

Playdates

Last week I drove a considerable distance to play date with a friend of mine.  Her second child was approaching 6 months and I got the impression she might be a little lonely.  She had also never been to the wonder that is playgroup.  I have been singing the praises of playgroups to my friends from the moment I started going in March.  I mean what's not to love about a place you and your child(ren) can go to for £1 where you get given a tea/coffee and biscuits and your child gets to play with a ton of different toys with a bunch of his peers? My son literally leaves me at the door as we walk into the place! 

Anyway, my friend has never been to one before and I thought this was the perfect opportunity, so I accompanied her to her local group which was practically at the end of her road.  The mums were lovely and from the moment we got in there they started chatting to us.  Better still my son and my friend's son were off from the moment we walked in the door, loving every moment of their new play space.  My friend sat there in shock sipping her hot tea, being able to use both hands without a child in either.  She couldn't believe it was possible for her to have free time like this and most mums don't.  I know she was probably thinking right now her daughter could be napping, her son playing in his playroom and she could be ironing/cleaning/doing laundry.  Something other than taking time for herself.  I dread to think the last time she had a cup of tea that wasn't cold.

I managed to make conversation without awkwardness or feeling like it was hard work, my friend on the other hand barely spoke and sat quietly taking it all in.  This was the same friend who had told me when I was pregnant, that you need to go to antenatal classes so you have some mum friends even if you don't listen to what they have to say (we didn't bother going to antenatal classes by the way).  I have four mum friends from classes I took my son to, plus my sister-in-law and a couple of other "original" friends who now have babies, I really didn't feel the need to force it and I still don't now.   I couldn't help but think though, if this were a year ago would I really be so comfortable? I was almost in awe of myself, speaking to other mums as if it were nothing and being relaxed for a change and it was amazing to feel a little more in control. 

I'm hoping though now my friend has been (and she is kicking herself she didn't go sooner), she will continue to go without my son and I.  She deserves the break even if she doesn't think she does and she might even meet new people who live in her area.  I don't think I will ever feel truly comfortable meeting new people.  I still carry that shy and socially awkward girl from two years ago but one thing is for sure, I'm slowly but surely coming out of my cocoon and I can now see the progress. 

~AB~

Quick update

The last couple of weeks have yet again been a whirlwind.  So much is changing and happening at home and I really haven't had the chance to do much on the computer (no we do not have a laptop) so everything has taken a bit of a back seat.  

So the bad news is, our TV broke and Great British Bake Off had only aired one episode, so typical! We will be shopping around for a replacement very shortly I'm sure as my husband is already feeling uneasy about the whole thing.  Also, an iPad screen does not do it justice although Mel and Sue are still hilarious regardless of what medium you watch it on.

The good news is, I have managed to sort out my son's birthday party already and an itinerary has been drafted, although no one but my husband and I understand it.  It will be train themed and I am very much looking forward to it! I have also planned a little soiree at our house afterwards for the rest of the family to join us which will be Chinese themed party food and Christmas cocktails because I mean what could be better than that?  I will ordering the party food from here (queue dribble...) and I have found some amazing cocktails on this site which I will definitely be making. 

I have also been very busy on the meal front.  I'm determined my son should eat healthily and I refuse to give up because of pressure about me being cruel.  My friend who is also my trainer told me about The Body Coach a couple of months ago and whilst I was in awe of some of the recipe videos and her subsequent pictures of the meals she'd prepared using the videos, I did nothing about it till last week.   I am now following him on Instagram and I am even more in awe of what I have seen.  For those who haven't heard of him, The Body Coach is a personal trainer from Essex who posts HIIT work outs and recipes (Lean in 15) that take no time to make.  He has his own books, has his own "plan" for weight loss and has had a TV show as well.  Following him makes me truly see how easy it is to make healthy meals including a variety of veggies which my son will actually eat and will in turn help me lose weight.  I'm not going to try and oversell as I'm in the very early stage, but I'm not endorsed and if you really think being lean and healthy is for you, just take a look and see! I will never fad diet again! Here was last week's meal plan: 

Our meal plan for the week

And these are a couple of raw photos (they tasted better than the photos make them look!) of the meals I have made:

Cajun chicken sausage jambalaya and rice

Turkey and kale meatballs with bolognaise sauce (and spaghetti) - this was all we had left! Although the recipe went a long way!

And one my husband made (which he is mega proud of and rightly so):

 

Chicken stuffed with mozzarella and bazil and wrapped in parma ham with spicy cauliflower cheese

 I cannot tell you how excited I was that both my husband and my son ate kale for the first time without realising, I had my smug face on for at least 20 minutes after the meal.  If you have ever tried kale you will know what a strong smell and flavour it has.  

I cannot wait to be 'lean' and take care of my family at the same time.  Oh course there is a time and a place for cake and eating these meals I now won't feel so guilty when we all eat them!

~AB~

Toddler Room Ideas

My son is fast approaching his second birthday and while it makes me feel a little sick inside that this time has passed so quickly, I'm in awe of the person he has become.  He has learnt the cutest and cheekiest little smile and although I should hate him saying no, the way he says it is so matter of fact and cute.  He's his own person and every day brings something new.

That being said, with all of that growth comes the need for space.  My son's nursery, as I'm sure you can gauge from past posts is not the largest of rooms.  It is suitable for a baby but probably not a toddler although it is neutral enough to stay the way it is should the need arise for him to stay there.

We currently have a guest room laying unused since we all decanted when my son was around 9 months old.  It has been decorated with beautiful textured wallpaper from Graham & Brown which was inspired by a hotel interiors.

Sadly (for the room), I fell pregnant before we got the chance to really use the room for guests and understandably people don't feel comfortable staying over when the family have a baby so it has been largely unused till we moved in there when my son was born temporarily as it keeps heat better than our room.   The previous owners had a single bed in there and I can only imagine the amount of space their daughter must have felt like she had so my son will be no different if we moved him in there.

My loves his cars and trains and buses and literally any mode of transport.  Don't get me wrong, he has a kitchen and enjoys pretending to make and drink tea from his "peatot", he loves making music by drumming on things and singing along to his own tunes and he takes care of his toys making sure they are fed and eat what he eats because we're teaching him to "share share" but he will always come back to transport.  Maybe not even transport, it literally has to have a wheel on it or something that will spin and he will be happy.  Whilst this makes designing his room a little bit easier, he may not be into cars forever and so I get that he will need something a bit more mature to live with till maybe his teens. That being said, my son really loves climbing and the outdoors and animals and I have always thought I would get him a mid-bed rather than a novelty one.  So here are some of the ideas for the car theme:

The images to the right will be a mural as I like the idea that my son would wake up like he's driving into the sunrise (I need to find better pictures but these show context).  I'm still in two minds but there is still the presentation to my husband and asking his opinion (yes that's a thing) before anything goes ahead.

I'm excited for this new chapter in my son's life but a little sad he won't be my tiny baby when it's finally done though. 

Tell me what you think, is there something I'm missing? Maybe you have seen some ideas you think might be better? 

~AB~

Oh no :(

Last week I did something I still can't quite get my head around... I managed to delete all of my camera photos off of my phone.  Surprisingly, this is extremely easy to do on an android phone and although you might think I would be angry or upset, I was neither.  I was numb, I had absolutely nothing going on in my head at that moment.  Thankfully, on plugging it into a desktop there was an option called "Import all photos and videos" so I promptly did this and I think it found them.  I do have to sort through all 4,300 files it managed to find though!  I do need to learn to use less haste and more speed sometimes, but this was a step too far.  I could have lost tons of precious photos and videos of my son saying things he no longer says.  An example of this was when he was 14 months and he first said "ma-ma" but the way he said it was almost like he was proud to say it and it was long and drawn out and the sweetest thing ever... a mere 2 months later he was calling me "mummy" and "mum".  So sad.  There is also the cute way he says teapot ("peatot")  but that's for another time.   

I am so precious about backing photos and videos up (we have a copy on the desktop and a copy on two different hard drives) but I definitely don't upload phone photos enough.  The last time I had uploaded before this incident was the end of June.  Any mother of a toddler knows how much they can change in that small space of time.  There is of course another lifeline, the fact I am an ardent user of Whatsapp and that they save all media you send out as standard.  I am so happy that I sent so many photos to family members as at least those were a fall back if I couldn't retrieve anything else. 

That aside, I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind ticking over as I try and decide what it is I want from my working life.  I appreciate I am a mother now first and foremost but this has always been a difficult subject to address for me.  People know what they want to do with their lives, some people don't care as long as they're challenged/learning/interacting with people and so on, I do not.  I know I want to be challenged in a role, I also know what my strengths and weaknesses are and what interests me.  What I cannot seem to do is translate any of those into a career.  Like any person who is bored in a job, I have job hopped hoping my next move would be my last move and I would be happy.  This is still not the case.  From speaking to other people I have had a range of suggestions but they are all complete changes of field for me.   To be honest, these suggestions were options I had definitely considered but had ruled out as I don't have the experience and starting from the lower echelons and working my way up like I would have done a decade ago is not financially viable for me with a family.  They also bring up another range of questions - would the grass be greener if I were able to find a way into these areas of work? How would I sell myself without the experience for someone to give me the opportunity? Would I be able to have a work/life balance?  

I have mentioned previously that I am studying with Shaw Academy.  To date I have completed the foundation in Graphic Design, foundation in Photography and am currently in the process of studying for a certificate in Child Nutrition (purely out of interest) and a certificate in Career Development (you can see where I'm going with this obviously). I'm hoping that maybe this course will help me adapt my CV to be able to show my skills are transferable - so many recruiters are lazy and/or short-sighted so I need my CV to be as appealing as possible to draw them in.  Only time will tell if people will be interested in recruiting me or not but one thing is for sure, I need to be using my adult brain while I still have one.  Although my job-hopping may look unreliable, if I just had the opportunity to do something I loved I could easily prove I have loyalty, I just need to be given the chance to grow and develop and to feel part of the team. 

~AB~

Summer holidays

I'm not sure what it's like around the world (except Italy as I know they close down everything over August) but here in England the world seems to slow down over the summer holidays.  The summer holidays here refer to schools breaking up usually around the second or third week in July and then starting up again mid-week through the first or second week of September.  It is about a 6-7 week period where the trains and buses are quiet and you may be lucky enough to get a seat.  The pub outside areas are generally full all day because it's sunny and what is a sunny day without a trip to a beer garden for a shandy (half beer, half lemonade)? But all child related locations are full of desperate parents and their bored children.

All classes bar a small handful close down for the summer period.  I only have one toddler who does not go to school (thankfully his nursery doesn't close for the summer) so this leaves me with no classes to take him to to keep him occupied during the day.  I also feel that by closing the classes for the whole holiday they are losing the routine which goes against what a lot of these classes are trying to achieve, I get that the teachers need to take a break too but a couple of weeks is more realistic surely, not the whole summer? Anyway, that's another rant for another time.   Last week I had a playdate with some mums from the playgroup my son usually goes to on a Wednesday, as per usual in England it was raining so a picnic was out of the question so we went to a soft play centre.  It was awful.  It was packed to the rafters with children and their parents trying to keep them busy and my son was so small compared to many of the other kids.  You couldn't really hear yourself think and I think in the end even my son was overwhelmed with the sheer number of children but strangely, the limit hadn't been met on numbers so they were still letting people in! Never, ever again.

Since then I have been searching for things to do with my son that don't involve being in such a small but crowded place, but where he can roam and enjoy himself obviously.  For the next at least 4 weeks that will be very difficult but as he is an early riser and other families don't seem to be, I have been taking advantage of the quietness and we have been exploring places when they open at 9am then leaving as the crowd come in at 11.  We went to Lloyd Park in Walthamstow a couple of weeks ago on a Tuesday morning at 9.30am and it was dead! There were barely any children and parents around and my son got to play in their massive sand pit area practically on his own.  I've been scouring the local mum groups on Facebook to try and get some more outdoor toys so we can have our own playspace here till the summer holidays are over.  I know it sounds anti-social of me but we do meet mums for picnics and we have kids over, it's just that I'm not willing to have my son bombarded and surrounded by a bunch of older kids just for the sake of something for him to do.  That and the fact that aside from soft play and parks, everything else costs so much money.  My son is still under 2 so is mostly affordable but when I start having to pay at least £10 for myself to come with him, it starts to add up.

For the first time in almost a year, my husban and I took our son swimming.  We went to a pool my mum used to take my sister and I to when we were younger.  It just had a refurbishment last year but it used to have two massive slides that went outside of the building and back in again, it was amazing! I didn't think they could top that but having a young child, they have put in a little water play area for babies and my son, despite the fact he can't swim and despises a pool... loved it!  This is a picture of the space:

Leyton Leisure Centre by Trebor Developments

It is absolutely fantastic and the best thing I could have found for the holidays.  I will definitely be taking my son back over and over to get him used to the water before our big (first) family holiday in November, the joy and excitement on his face was something I never thought I would see with him and swimming.  There are other things on our to do list but this has trumped them all so they're not even worth a mention compared to this, I cannot wait to go back.   What are you up to this holiday?

~AB~

Phew!

The last month has been INTENSE and I'm not too sad to see it go.  I feel like I have achieved so much but on the flip side one thing has taken a back seat while I hit deadlines and that's my health.  My skin looks terrible and I have gained a fair amount of weight.  That being said, the weight gain could be due to the fact that people feed me things (dairy filled things) despite me asking if it has dairy in it.  I think I need to rephrase my question and ask what it is made of and not is there dairy in this so I can make the decision myself.  I'm not asking for people to cater for me specifically, just don't hand me dairy because you can't be bothered to tell me whether it has it or not and you think I'm being difficult.  People have actually implied that I have made up my dairy intolerance! Anyway... rant over!

So I did manage to get round to making both the flapjacks and the birthday cake for my sister.  Unfortunately there is no picture of the flapjacks because it fell apart (possibly because I used dairy free butter) and also it tasted so good, I actually forgot to take one before my husband, son and I ate most of it. 

The cake on the other hand I have taken a few pictures of because I'm so proud I managed to complete a recipe and not ruin it! In my last post I mentioned the recipe I would be using however, I decided to only use the icing recipe from this site to fill the cake and have used this recipe for the rest of it instead: 

https://redhotcentre.wordpress.com/2014/07/23/lime-coconut-cake-gluten-free-dairy-free/

Whilst it shows a loaf on there, mine was a birthday cake and I don't think those should be shaped like loaves so without further ado here is mine: 

The best part about this recipe, it is both dairy and egg free.  I used flour with gluten in it but it was super easy and I will definitely be using this recipe again.  

Here's to the end of July and the start of the true summer, may naps like the one I had last Monday be plentiful (well, till my son cuts out his midday naps).  

~AB~

The second child itch

I have heard from a lot of people around now is the time I will start feeling "the itch".   My son is 18 months, he's a little more independent and apparently I will miss having a baby around as I can no longer treat him like one.  As I have mentioned in an earlier post I am happy with us being a three and that if that were to change then great but it won't be any earlier than when I'm ready for it. 

I have seen many changes in my husband and my son over the coming months, I know it is a developmental change but my son is obsessed with babies, he finds them fascinating and thinks all babies cry, which to him is funny.  My husband on the other hand, is trying his hardest not to show it but he is broody for another baby.  He has held two of our friends babies and I had seen that look before when our son was first born, if he had ovaries they would have exploded.  As someone politely put it, the only one standing in the way of another baby is me. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly want my son to be an only child but I'm happy with the way things are right now.  I have made no illusion about the fact I find parenting hard and the older my son gets the more difficult I seem to find dealing with him.  He seems to currently be going through a stage of finding and pushing all of my buttons so by the time my husband is home for work, I can barely even look at my son.  How could I bring another baby into something like that? I said to my sister today, if I had another baby and I feel this way towards my son he would get neglected and I don't want that to happen.  I very much want a close family and for my son to embrace a sibling and feel helpful and just as loved but now is just not the time.  I am still not physically or emotionally ready.

I also hear a lot that when you have the second one it's easier, but isn't that just what everyone says? What if my second one is worse? One friend admitted their older child is struggling to sleep and they actually get kept up at night by the 2 year old instead of their 5 month old baby who sleeps through.  Another admitted they had help bathing both children as the older one refused to be bathed when his 4 month old sibling was bathed.  This doesn't sound like something I am ready to get into right now.  I know it won't be smooth sailing when I have another child but I'm officially scaremongered.  I'm sure in the coming months we will see if my opinion changes but I wish people would stop asking when I'm having another baby.  I'm just not ready and no amount of selling it will do that for me. 

~AB~

Updates on my projects

This last week feels like it has been the most stressful ever, primarily because I put the stress on myself and a deadline which was almost impossible to meet.  This is literally the only time I have before the next lot of visitors show up and we have had people round for two days already.  On the positive side we have only had to deep clean once and the house is still tidy so thankfully one less thing for us to do and I have finally managed to do an update video of what the house looks like now.  The last one was taken on 27th January 2014 when we got the keys to the house so it's a little overdue.

These visits I think have given me the motivation to finish some of the projects I have been putting off and in fairness I just have my son's table and chair to do (I only have to sand and varnish the table and paint and stencil the back bar of my son's chair) and then after next weekend I will be taking a break.  I am exhausted yet I feel invigorated it's so odd! I am really really behind on a course I was taking which thankfully is online so I can now catch up to that this week then take a few naps before the next busy weekend ahead, my nephew's 2nd birthday in the South of England.  He will be having a picnic in a national park so I would like to do some baking and intend - time permitting to make these:

Annabel Karmel's flapjacks

Then it is also my sister's birthday and I am always the one who makes cakes for her so being dairy intolerant also, I will be making her this:

Dairy free coconut and lime cakes

I am obviously a glutton for punishment.

So what have I been up to? I will tell you.

I have finished (almost) a baby wall for our hallway, I am two frames short but I will be hopefully getting those this week and the pictures are already printed they just need frames.  It showcases the generations of our family as babies/kids next to a much needed mirror.  My husband dislikes the fact that it's concave but I love it and it also means it can be high up and I can still see myself in it without having to use a stool.  I also think we may start adding babies of friends as it still looks a little sparse but without further ado, my family:

Then there is my son's table and chair.  The previous owners of the house left behind their children's table and chairs.  Unfortunately like many things in the house from them, I have no idea how but they weren't put together properly.  In taking the table and chairs apart I have discovered they are from Ikea, they no longer sell them but here is a picture of the table before: 

 
and the chair with a coat of chalky paint: 

 I decided shortly after both were painted I didn't like the chalky shabby chic finish to them, so they were then sanded down and eggshelled and now the table looks like this: 

Not sure why the right leg looks so wonky, it definitely isn't!

I taped off the legs and sprayed them with green gloss and the spray went a lot further up than I was hoping but I really like the end effect.  I have decoupaged a print of a road onto the table top and although I still need to sand the excess PVA off where it has made the table yellow and then varnish it all, I personally think it's looking great! 

I have also finally finished off the cross-stitches I wanted to put up in my son's room, I just need to get one more frame and I'm all done, I will have to take another picture when all three are up together.  This was definitely a labour of love for me and it took a lot more time and patience than I thought I had.  I have vowed this is now the end of my cross-stitching thanks to that last piece but who knows in the future... 

The piece to the right is another pattern from Etsy and although I'm happy with the finished product, it was mega exhausting.  

The mirror in our dining room has been looking very lonely and small since we got it and although it's a stunning piece over our fireplace it was smaller than I had hoped, so I managed to find some smaller mirrors on ebay which were originally black and have spray painted them to match the decor of the room a little more.  Although they aren't the same gold as the mirror I think they still suit the brown ceiling and beige walls we have. 

Finally, and one that I won't be adding a picture for is a canvas of my husband and son having a moment during his 1 year photoshoot.  It was such a raw image of my son sitting on his daddy's knee, holding onto his finger and being cuddled and snuggled by my husband.  He was so tired and ready for a nap and although it's something that happens every day, it's so lovely to have that moment captured in an image.  The 100 x 50cm black and white image now sits above our stairs and is the last thing you see before bed or you go back downstairs.  It's perfect. 

I'm sure there are other things I have forgotten to mention but for now this is what has kept me so busy.  Another update will follow with pictures of the cakes (hopefully). 

~AB~